The Chinese version is after the English one.
中文版本在英文版本下。
A swift, fierce, and accurate knife cut, it’s undeniably satisfying!
But sometimes, a quick cut can’t be that accurate.
A good friend of mine once fell asleep during a public exam and ended up losing an A grade. Well, he deserved it, right? Little did anyone know, the night before, due to a fierce argument between his parents, he had almost no sleep. He unexpectedly dozed off in the subject he was most confident about, leaving him deeply regretful. Even though he slept and still managed to secure a B grade, it showed his hard work and considerable skill. Would you still mock him once you know the story behind?
Often, especially for Christians who love the Lord, the voice of self-blame comes quickly:
- “I shouldn’t envy others.” You recall, “Love does not envy.”
- “I find myself somewhat disliking my own son.” You remember numerous instances in the Bible highlighting the Father’s compassion for His children.
- “I have inappropriate thoughts about others; it’s shameful!” You recall Jesus teaching that thinking beyond bounds is equivalent to committing adultery.
- “Others serve zealously, even to the point of exhaustion, but when I feel a bit unwell, I just want to stay home, not caring for one another, lacking in mutual support, and not stirring up love. It’s really not right.”
- “He offended me, and I can’t let go; even after so long, I still harbour resentment. How can I love my enemies?”
In these situations, the “sin” in the heart often has underlying reasons, much like the high-achieving student who unexpectedly fell asleep during the exam. Of course, it might seem extreme to investigate the root cause of every inner dialogue. Constantly self-examining may leave no time for productive activities. So, when should we pay special attention and inquire into the depths of our hearts to take care of our inner selves?
Repeated problems are not accidental
Think about it; if a 10 year-old boy, say, Tom keeps repeating the same statement to his mom in a conversation, say, “I want to eat oranges!” What does it signify? — It’s not that Tom has entered old age — it indicates that Tom finds it important to buy and eat oranges now, or he feels that his request is neglected by mom, who bought apples instead of oranges. As long as mom acknowledges hearing it or goes to buy oranges together, Tom doesn’t need to repeat it.
Similarly, regarding our emotions, what do we need to pay special attention to? It’s those situations that feel inappropriate but keep recurring. The repetitive nature of these situations is like a private message in your ear, telling you secretly, “Judging these things purely based on moral principles and correcting them with moral willpower doesn’t address the root of the issue.”
Are those so-called “underlying causes” actually excuses to justify wrongdoing?
Listening to your underlying reasons is not about allowing yourself to do wrong; it’s about wanting to help yourself avoid doing wrong. Blaming yourself alone is not effective. You need to listen carefully to yourself, find the root of the problem, and address it. Otherwise, although you may seem to control yourself, your inner world remains out of control. Taking it slow is for a faster resolution. Like fixing bugs in a program – continually hitting the computer won’t help; you need to carefully locate the bug(s) to correct it.
Is this undermining the warning power of God’s word?
The Bible says, “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” If you don’t directly govern yourself with the Word, does it mean you’re disregarding God’s teachings?
Not at all. Without the Word hidden in your heart, you wouldn’t even recognize envy, hatred towards family, thoughts of adultery, lack of enthusiasm in service, or unforgiveness as issues. The Bible indeed provides us with a comprehensive standard, making us “aware of sin,” realising that we have problems. But what’s the next step? Should you immediately stone yourself to death, or should you open your heart, allowing God to examine, touch, feed, heal, and help you? The answer is obvious.
Behind the Rigour
Many Christians have much love for others but tend to be strict with themselves. If given the choice to stone a sinful self to make it vanish immediately, leaving the self that is always good to live, some would probably willingly do so. Why? Certainly, it’s an expression of their love for the Lord and the importance they place on the Lord’s ways. Being generous towards others and strict with oneself is a virtue.
It’s possible that these believers, under strict parental discipline during childhood, internalised the voice of self-blame. However, have they, after hearing about God’s love for many years, ever wished to choose a voice of compassion for themselves? The answer may not be as certain as you think.
In a gathering, you notice spinach stuck in your sister’s teeth and gently inform her, comforting her with, “Don’t worry; it’s not very noticeable.” The whole conversation exudes warmth and camaraderie.
One day, after taking countless photos with twenty-seven long-lost friends, you discover a black sesame seed still stuck at the corner of your mouth in the restroom. Your heart races, and you feel uneasy, embarrassed, replaying each of the twenty-seven individuals in your mind, comparing their appearance to yours. You’ve been restless for half a day, feeling uncomfortable all over, as if the clothes you carefully chose two days ago were all in vain. A friend consoles you, saying, “It’s a minor thing!” But hearing that feels like a second trauma.
For those with high self-demands, the errors that occur in others can generally be forgiven. But when it happens to oneself, it often feels exceptionally heavy, lingering in the heart like a ghost, sometimes vaguely present, seemingly painful but indescribable, just plain shameful.
Could it be that other people’s small wrongs do not taint oneself, and thus, it’s inconsequential? By accepting them, one’s heart feels good because “I” is higher than “them”.
Is it possible that there’s a desire to love a perfect self, more than yearning for the grace of forgiveness?
Embrace the Discomfort
If you belong to the type mentioned above, your own mistakes are like ink splashed on your body, a stain in your heart, particularly visible on your pristine white clothes. “Must do it well” is your creed, when you can’t meet the standard, something starts conflicting with your “creed”, making it challenging to handle.
Actually, being able to perceive the impurity within and knowing it’s not the right path from God’s Word is commendable. Perhaps blaming yourself feels better than letting yourself off. Even if the Bible says God will forgive you, you still find it challenging to forgive yourself. Faced with oneself, with faults but without criticism or chastisement, you feel even more uneasy.
Embrace this discomfort. This discomfort is also a gift from God to help us be aware of our spiritual condition. The Bible says, “In everything give thanks”. Yes, let’s be thankful for this discomfort. It helps us draw closer to God more deeply, experiencing God’s healing and love firsthand, not just hearing about it.
Are you willing to embrace this inner discomfort and allow it to linger for the sake of loving the Lord and getting closer to Him?
The Power of “Listening Slowly”
Let’s go back to those self-blaming voices at the beginning. Try listening slowly to yourself:
“I shouldn’t envy others.
Why am I jealous of him? What am I longing for? Where is the most regretful and painful part? Why does this brother particularly irk me? What qualities do I see in him that bother me?
“I find myself somewhat disliking my own son.”
What did my son do that made me feel disgusted? If he hit one of my pressure points, what pressure point would that be? What do I expect to gain from him? What is the desire behind this expectation?
“I have sexually related thoughts about others; it’s shameful!”
Is my marriage (if applicable) satisfying? Where is it stuck?
“Others serve zealously, even to the point of exhaustion, but when I feel a bit unwell, I just want to stay home, not caring for one another, lacking in mutual support, and not stirring up love. It’s really not right.”
Why do I have the thought of resting at home? How long has it been since I properly took care of my own needs?
“He offended me, and I can’t let go; even after so long, I still harbour resentment. How can I love my enemies?”
What he did to offend me, how did it affect me? Have I properly expressed the pain it caused, or have I not sorted it out within myself? Have I cried enough? (Please refer to “Don’t Be Afraid to Shed Tears”) Has God’s love been poured into the wound?
If you can answer these questions, you probably have some clues about what’s going on in your spirit. The next steps may still require the assistance of professionals, pastors, or brothers and sisters. But at least, you’ve taken a significant step beyond just blaming yourself.
Challenge for You
Hi brothers and sisters who love the Lord, in the situations mentioned above, how would you meditate on God’s love, God’s faithfulness, and God’s power to help yourself?
This is our spiritual nourishment; please savour it slowly!
Photo Credit: Raymond Wong
慢用聖經
落刀快狠準，固然爽！
但有些時候，快就不準。
一位好友，他一次公開考試裡睡著了，結果失落了一個A。很活該是吧？誰知道，前一夜因為父母吵得兇，他幾近無眠，竟然在最有把握的一科打盹了，遺憾不已。他即使睡了也奪了個B，可見功力不淺。當你了解真相後，還會冷笑他嗎？
很多時，尤其是愛主的基督徒，責備自己的聲音來得很快：
「我嫉妒人是不對的。」你想起「愛是不嫉妒」。
「我竟然有點討厭自己的兒子。」你想起聖經多處提到天父對祂孩子的憐恤。
「我對別人有遐想，真可恥！」你想起耶穌講思想越界即等於犯姦淫的教導。
「別人在熱心事奉，做到斷氣，我自己一點不適就想閒在家裡，又不彼此相顧，又不激發愛心，真說不過去。」
「他得罪我，我放不下，過了這麼久還懷恨，怎能愛仇敵呢？」
以上情況，心裡的「罪」，若細心聆聽自己，背後往往都有原委，就像那位竟然在試場睡覺的高材生一樣。當然，如果每一個內心獨白都要探問原委，似乎過於變態，每天只顧不停自我檢視，也沒時間心神去做正事了。那麼，在什麼情況下，我們特別需要關心、探問自己的內心深處，照顧自己的內心小孩呢？
反復出現的問題並非偶然
試想想，小明，一個十歲小孩，不斷重複向媽媽講同一句說話「我想吃橙！」，那代表了什麼？——不是小明進入了老年期——而是小明覺得現在去買橙、然後吃橙很重要，或者媽媽沒有買橙而買了蘋果，小明就覺得媽媽忽視了他的喜好，而媽媽似乎沒有聽進去。只要媽媽表示聽到了，或者動身一起買橙，小明就不用再重復了。
同樣，我們對自己的心緒，哪些需要特別留神呢？就是那些你覺得不妥，但仍反復出現的情況。它的反復出現，其實已在你耳邊私密地告訴你：「有些事情，單純用道德原則判斷，用道德意志糾正，並未對症下藥啊。」
有原委就可以容許自己做錯事了嗎？
聆聽自己的原委，不是容許自己做錯事，而是想幫自己不做錯，單靠責備自己並不湊效。需要深入聆聽自己，找到問題根源，方可對症下藥，否則看似控制自己，但內在世界仍舊失控。所以，慢慢來是為了更快。程式有 bug，你不斷拍打電腦沒有用，你得花心神慢慢找到 bug(s) 的所在，方能修正。
這是否定神的話語的儆醒力量嗎？
神的話「比一切兩刃的劍更快，甚至魂與靈、骨節與骨髓，都能刺入、剖開，連心中的思念和主意都能辨明」，不直接用聖言管轄自己，是不是輕視了神的教導？
不是的。若沒有聖言藏在心裡，一開始就不會覺得自己嫉妒別人、恨自己的親人、思想去旅行、不熱心事奉、不原諒人等等，是有問題的。聖經的確給了我們一套很完備的標準，讓我們「知罪」，意識到自己有問題。但下一步呢？是不是要立刻用石頭處死自己呢？還是要打開心靈，讓上帝鑒察、觸摸、餵養、醫治、幫助呢？答案顯而易見。
嚴苛的背後
很多基督徒，都對別人很有愛心，但卻傾向對自己嚴苛，如果可以即時用石頭擲死一個會犯罪的自己，只讓表現得好好的那個自己繼續生活下去，我想不乏有願意動手的人。為什麼呢？當然，這是他們愛主、重視主的道的表現。寬以侍人，嚴以律己，也是美德。
有可能，這些信徒，小時候在父母嚴厲的管教下，內化了責備自己的聲音。那，聽過關於神的慈愛許多許多年之後，倘若可以選擇，他們是否也渴望選擇換一把慈愛的聲音對待自己？又不一定。
你在聚餐裡，看見姊妹牙縫裡有條粗曠的菠菜，於是你輕聲告訴她，然後安慰她：「不用怕，不很顯眼。」整個對話洋溢著溫馨的情誼。
有一天，你跟二十七位很久沒見的朋友拍照三百回之後，在洗手間，驚見嘴角還黏著一粒黑芝麻沒抹掉。你頓時心跳加速，坐立不安，面紅耳熱，焦灼地逐一回想剛才有哪二十七個人與你拍過照，他們的儀容與你相比如何…… 你不安了大半天，渾身不自在，彷彿兩天前便想好了怎樣襯的衣服都是枉然。好友安慰你說：「很小事而已！」你聽見，覺得簡直像二度創傷。
在對自己有高要求的人而言，發生在別人身上的錯誤，大都可以原諒。惟獨發生在自己身上，卻往往異常沉重，纏在心頭，幽靈似的，久不久便若隱若現，似痛非痛，無以名狀，總之羞愧難當。
會不會是這樣？別人的小惡，並不能玷污自己，因此也亦無關痛癢。包容了他們，自己心裡反而安定穩實，因為「我」高於「他」。
會不會有一個可能，就是我愛一個完美的自己，多於渴慕得到赦罪的恩典？
擁抱不安
若果你屬於上述這一類型，自己的錯誤就好像潑了在身上的墨，在你心裡面是污點，在雪白的衣服上尤其顯眼。「必須要做好」是你的信條，有時行出來由不得你，與「信條」相左，你便難以自處。
其實，你能覺察內心的不潔，並從神的話曉得這非正路，你做得很好。也許責備自己，比起放過自己，你會覺得更好過。就算聖經說神會饒恕你，你還是難以饒恕自己。面對自己，有錯但不予批判，不予鞭撻，你更不安。
擁抱這份不安。這不安也是上帝給我們的禮物，幫助我們覺察靈裡的狀況。聖經說：「凡事謝恩。」對呀，我們也為這份不安感恩。這為它可以幫助我們更深的靠近神，並切身經歷神的醫治和慈愛，而不只是「風聞有祢」。
你願意為了愛主、更靠近主，去擁抱自己內裡的這份不安、容許它停留嗎？
「慢慢的聽」的力量
讓我們返回開端那些責備自己的聲音，不妨嘗試慢慢細聽一下自己：
- 「我嫉妒人是不對的。」
我為什麼嫉妒他？我在渴望得到什麼？最遺憾、最痛在哪？為何這位仁兄特別惹你看不順？在他身上你覺得你看見了什麼特質？
- 「我竟然有點討厭自己的兒子。」
兒子做了什麼事，令我心生厭惡？如果說，他點中了我的一個穴，那個穴會是什麼穴位？我期待從他身上得到什麼？我這個期待背後的渴求是什麼？
- 「我對別人有遐想，真可恥！」
我的婚姻(如有)滿足嗎？在哪裡卡住了？
- 「別人在熱心事奉，做到斷氣，我自己一點不適就想閒在家裡，又不彼此相顧，又不激發愛心，真說不過去。」
我為何會有在家休息的念頭呢？我多久沒有好好照顧自己的需要呢？
- 「他得罪我，我放不下，過了這麼久還懷恨，怎能愛仇敵呢？」
他得罪我的地方，為我帶來了怎樣的影響？當中的痛苦，我有沒有好好傾吐過？還是連自己都未梳理好？哭夠了沒有？(請參《不用太害怕流眼淚》) 傷口有沒有神的愛灌注過？
你若能回答以上問題，大概多少已見著一點頭緒，知道自己靈裡出了什麼狀況。或許下一步怎樣做，仍需專業人士，或牧者，或弟兄姊妹的幫助。但最少，比純粹責備自己已邁進了一大步。
考考你
各位愛主的信徒，在以上的情況裡，你會怎樣默想神的愛、神的信實、神的大能，來幫助自己呢？
這是我們的天糧，請慢用！
照片提供：Raymond Wong