The Chinese version is after the English one.
中文版本在英文版本下。
Compassionate Lord:
There’s an indescribable emptiness in my heart. Even though it seems like there are people around me, I feel like I’m drifting in space, unable to hear any joyful sounds, surrounded by endless loneliness. In every direction, I see emptiness, and everything I try to hold onto slips away from my grasp, whether silently or with a sigh. What I long for, what I yearn for, doesn’t draw near. Sometimes, I feel like I don’t even have desires anymore; my inner world feels stagnant, like a pool of still water with no ripples, and yet, the slightest disturbance could send me spiralling. I feel like I’m swimming in a storm, unable to move forward, constantly being overwhelmed. Every time I gather the courage to rise again, I’m pulled back into the whirlpool until I’m exhausted, not wanting to live anymore.
I feel an inexpressible fatigue, and those around me can’t comfort me; no one can give me a reason to keep living.
I pray for the gentle touch of Your hand.
In my childhood/family of origin/intimate relationships/years of loneliness/depression (or other, please fill in), I couldn’t draw enough love. I couldn’t form deep connections within, like a rootless existence. I feel like a plant with a rotten root, outwardly appearing healthy, but inside, I lack the energy to sustain myself. Nothing I do can fill the emptiness in my heart. It’s as if the world is vast, yet I have no place to belong.
However, today, I will read aloud Your Words. I long to see the image of “me” in Your eyes and, by Your precious words, I will speak and pray to You.
“For You created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are Your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with You.
Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.”
(Psalm 139: 13-18, 23-24)
Father, I thank You because today You have told me that my birth was not a coincidence. Even if I feel like my parents or others didn’t want me, my presence, my existence, were created with immense wisdom and love by You. When I was still in the embryonic stage, when my cells were rapidly dividing, Your eyes were already upon me, creating the unique me with Your wisdom and unfathomable mysteries. I was formed in secrecy, even though factors such as what my mother absorbed, her health, and her emotions might influence who I am today, but when the Lord’s hand was forming me, it was done according to Your intricate plan. In the darkness of my mother’s womb and through the trials of this world, You had already determined the life You gave, and no one could hinder it.
“I was woven together in the depths of the earth.” I’m not a rootless orphan. Regardless of whether my biological parents had the ability to care for me or if I had close and nurturing relationships, in the time and space of this world, I am deeply connected to Your will, Your Kingdom, Your love, and Your life. I pray that You open the eyes of my spirit, allowing me to see this “unseen” truth. May the Holy Spirit help my spiritual “roots” to be reborn, to be grounded, and to draw nourishment, sustaining my entire life.
In my experiences, perhaps no one remembers my goodness, no one perceives my needs, no one knows my desires, and nothing I hold dear is cherished. Nevertheless, when I was yet to emerge from the womb, everything about me was already recorded by You. You had numerous thoughts concerning me, more abundant than the grains of sand. You know me, and You care for me, and You deeply consider this tiny existence. Holy Spirit, I pray for the gift of faith, to receive Your wondrous love!
Sometimes, I’m afraid to face tomorrow, as pain seems endless, not knowing how I’ll make it through each day. However, You tell me, “When I awake, I am still with you.” I don’t have to worry about how to get through tomorrow because I will experience Your provision, Your blessings, Your light, and Your peace.
Lord, I pray that You examine my inner self, illuminate my thoughts and emotions, and teach me to recognize which are distorted views resulting from past traumas and the lies of the evil one. I declare the protection of the precious blood of the Lord Jesus Christ over my mind, emotions, and spirit. In Jesus Christ’s name, I declare that the voices within me that accuse me, that say “I am worthless,” “I am not deserving of love,” “I am abandoned by the Lord,” “It’s better for me to be dead than alive,” “Even heaven wants me dead,” __________ (please fill in if needed), will be shattered under the great love and power of Jesus Christ! Shattered! They will no longer have authority over my thoughts and emotions! I will use God’s words as the light of my life.
I pray in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, my Saviour. Amen.
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為找不到生存理由而想死的意念祈禱
憐憫人的主：
我心裡有種說不出的空洞。縱然身邊好像有人，但我覺得好像在太空漂浮，聽不到一點令人欣喜的聲音，包圍我的只有無止盡的孤寂。在我四面全是虛空，我辛苦所抓住的，全都從我指間有聲無聲的溜走。我所渴望的、我所思念的，不會臨近我。甚至有時，我已感覺不到自己再有任何欲望，內心似是死水一潭，再也掀不起漣漪，但同時又彷彿只需一點動靜，都足以將我沒頂。我好像在颶風中游泳，永遠沒有辦法游向前方，只有不斷被吞沒；每當我鼓起勇氣再次振作，又被捲進漩渦，直至精疲力竭，不想再活。
我感到說不出的疲累，身邊的人無法安慰我，沒有人能給我活下去的理由。
求祢溫柔的手觸摸我。
在我 童年/原生家庭/親密關係/長年孤獨的生活/抑鬱症的影響 (或其他，請自行填補) 裡，無法汲取足夠的愛，沒有人能與我內心深深的連繫，我仿似漂浮無根的活著。我好像一棵植物，從根裡壞了，即或表面上花葉正茂，但內裡卻好像沒有足夠的能量支撐我活著。我做的一切，也無法填補心中的空洞。彷彿世間之大，卻無一處是我的歸屬。
然而，今天我要讀祢的話語，我要看見「我」在祢眼裡的模樣，並要憑著祢寶貴的話語，向祢發聲、禱告。
「我的肺腑是祢所造的。
我在母腹中，祢已覆庇我。
我要稱謝祢，因我受造奇妙可畏。
祢的作為奇妙，
這是我心深知道的。
我在暗中受造，
在地的深處被聯絡，
那時，我的形體並不向祢隱藏。
我未成形的體質，
祢的眼早已看見了。
祢所定的日子，
我尚未度一日，
祢都寫在祢的冊上了。
神啊，祢的意念向我何等寶貴，
其數何等眾多！
我若數點，比海沙更多。
我睡醒的時候，仍和祢同在。(……)
神啊，求祢鑒察我，知道我的心思；
試煉我，知道我的意念，
看在我裡面有什麼惡行沒有，
引導我走永生的道路。」
(詩篇139篇13-18，23-24節)
父啊！感謝祢，祢今天告訴我，我的出生，並非偶然，即或我感受到父母或別人不想要我，我的出現、我的存在，乃是祢以極大的智慧與慈愛造成。當我仍在胚胎的階段，細胞急速分裂的時候，祢的眼目已經臨近我，祢以祢的智慧與人所不能言說的奧秘，創造了獨一無二的我。我受造的時候是在「暗中」，縱然母體所吸收的物質、她的健康與情緒等等，會影響今日的我，然而上主的手在造我的時候，乃按著祢精密無比的計劃而行，在漆黑的母腹中，與及在人世間一切的試煉裡，祢定意所賜的生命，人不能攔阻。
「我在地的深處被聯絡」，我不是無根的孤兒。不論我的親生父母是否有能力好好照顧我，不論我的心靈有沒有親密而健康的關係滋養，在此世的時空裡，我仍與祢的旨意、祢的國度、祢的愛、祢的生命深深相連。求祢開我靈性的眼睛，讓我看見這「看不見」的真相。求主聖靈使我心靈的「根」得以再生，在靈性的土壤裡能「著地」，不再漂浮，並能汲取養份，滋養我整個人的生命。
在我的經驗裡，也許沒有人記得我的好，沒有人體察我的需要，沒有人知道我的渴求，沒有把我所重視的放在心上，然而，在我生命尚未滑出母體之時，我的一切早已被祢記下。祢對我的意念，比海裡的沙更多。祢知道、祢顧念我這渺小的存在。主聖靈啊！求祢賜我這樣的信心，去領受祢這一份奇妙的愛！
有時，我很害怕面對明天，漫長的日子，不知怎樣可以一天一天撐下去。然而，祢告訴我，「我睡醒的時候，仍和祢同在」。我不用憂慮明天怎樣度過，因我必能經歷祢的供應、祢的眷佑、祢的亮光和祢的平安。
主，求祢鑒察我的內心，光照我的思想和情緒，教我辨認哪些是來自過去創傷所造成的扭曲觀念，和來自那惡者的謊言。求主耶穌基督的寶血遮蓋我，使我的頭腦、情感、靈性有祢的保護。奉耶穌基督的名，我宣告在我裡面那些控告我的聲音、那些說「我沒有價值」、「我不值得被愛」、「我被上主遺棄」、「我死了比活著更好」、「連上天都想我死」、(無法盡列，請自行填補) 等等的謊言，要在耶穌基督的大愛與大能下粉碎！粉碎！再沒有操控我心思意念的權柄！我要以我最大的自由意志，拒絕被這些謊言支配，並要以上帝的話語來作我生命的亮光。
奉主耶穌基督我救主之名而求。阿門。
照片：朔仰