The Chinese version is after the English one.
中文版本在英文版本下。
“I’m always like this, unable to control my temper!” This statement may seem self-defensive, but behind it lies a state of “frustration” and a feeling of “hopelessness” about the possibility of change.
Language reflects what you think, but it also influences how you think. When we believe we are “always” like this, we inadvertently reinforce this “established fact” and self-fulfil it, making it become a reality that we can’t escape from.
Whenever we use “always” to describe ourselves, it is good to ask—am I really “always” like this? Perhaps you would like to consider whether the following descriptions are more accurate:
“It’s somehow habitual; there’s a pent-up anger in me that bursts out immediately.”
“When I’m under a lot of stress, I easily lose my temper.”
“Often, I have unresolved issues building up inside, and when an opportunity arises, I explode.”
“Whenever I think about various grievances, it’s hard for me not to get angry.”
“I feel that only by getting angry can I express my inner frustration.”
By articulating our true circumstances can you understand your pain and needs. Whether or not you change is not the most important thing at the moment; it’s the choice you make in the next steps. Treat yourself fairly, replace judgments of “always” with understanding, and be kind to yourself. Then, the possibility of a positive transformation arises.
Treating others in the same way, while expecting change, we need to see the reality in them, treat them with kindness and curiosity, and this would create conditions for transformation to emerge. Don’t hastily declare “always”. Try to understand their thoughts, motives, and reasons; you might discover unexpected rewards.
Photo by Soul Yearn
我永遠…
「我永遠都是這樣，不能控制自己的脾氣！」
這話語看似自衛，但背後，是一種「沮喪」、覺得「沒有希望改變」的狀態。
語言反映你想什麼，但同時也會影響你的思維。當我們覺得自己「永遠」都是這樣，其實也會不斷強化這「既定事實」，然後自我應驗，真的會變成「永遠」走不出來。
人們常說「真」「善」「美」，確有一定的道理。首先我們需要把握真實的狀況——到底我是不是真的「永遠如此」？像以下的描述會不會比較準確？
「我習慣了這樣，有股氣憋在心裡就要即時發作出來。」
「壓力大時，我就很容易發脾氣。」
「往往之前心裡有事，沒有渠道好好宣洩，積累到一個點，一有機會我就會爆發了。」
「每當想到諸般的委屈，我就很難不發脾氣。」
「對著像他這種狗眼看人低的人，想不發脾氣都難。」
「我覺得，只有發脾氣，才能表達我內心的憤怒。」
只有看得「真」，你才能了解自己的痛處和需要。改變與否，反而不是當下最重要的事，而是下下下一步的選擇。公平地對待自己，以體諒代替宣判「永遠」，善待自己，關心自己，這是「善」。然後，美好的轉變才有條件出現，那就是「美」了。
對待別人也一樣，在期待轉變出現時，我們需要看「真」對方，「善」待對方，這樣便為「美」開創條件。不要輕易宣判「永遠」，嘗試了解他的想法、動機、原委，也許你會有意想不到的收穫。
照片：朔仰