The Chinese version is after the English one.
中文版本在英文版本下。
Heavenly Father:
There are words that I am afraid to share with others, as if speaking them out loud would reveal my lack of faith, impatience, or lack of understanding. It seems that if I want to express my disappointment in You, God, I’m going to feel that I am not good enough. But it seems beyond my capability. Perhaps I can only pretend that everything is fine, that I am okay. I have long lost my expectations.
Right and wrong are clear, yet turned upside down. You are just, so why the silence? A slight change could make me better, and You are loving, so why withhold it from me? My prayers are humble, aren’t they?
I feel I have been patient for a long time, and I have prayed with faith many, many times. I fear that even on the day I die, my prayers will remain unanswered, or the situation will worsen, and I won’t know how to face it. My predicament is inescapable, and my inner sadness and anger have nowhere to go.
Yet, my spirit must stay vigilant. Whenever thoughts like “There is no God, He is false,” “He does not hear you, He doesn’t love you,” or “Even God does not help you” arise within me, Holy Spirit, I ask You to teach me to discern. These are lies from the evil one. In the name of Jesus Christ, I resist these lies. Yes, I am disappointed in God, angry at God, and I cannot feel God’s love. But God created me in love, Christ saved me with grace, gave me life, and the Holy Spirit guides and dwells within me. This is real.
Lord, I don’t know what You are waiting for, how long You will wait. You are God, to You I am like dust. It seems that I could only passively accept and endure everything negatively. However, I pray, Lord, Holy Spirit, open my spiritual eyes to see Your presence. Others say You are always good, and Your plan is ultimately loving. Maybe I still cannot see the reasons behind it, but I ask You to give me eyes of wisdom to truly see, despite all this absurdity, Your grace and guidance, Your power and light, Your presence and care.
In this long wait, I feel I’ve said everything I can to You. But do You have something to say to me? Lord, I am willing to listen. Speak to me in a way I can hear and understand.
I have read about the stories of Judas and Peter. Judas, perhaps disappointed that Jesus did not fulfil his expectations for the restoration of Israel, turned to seek power and betrayed Jesus. When the religious leaders and the Roman government captured Jesus, Peter, filled with fear and disappointment, lost the ability to trust a Master at an absolute disadvantage. After Jesus’ death, the disciples went back to fishing, as if the three years of fervent following were just a dream. Let me find comfort in these biblical characters. To not understand, to have faith collapse, to feel that even God is unreliable, from disappointment to despair, even to deny the miraculous experiences that happened before… Lord! You understand and know all of this!
Lord, I pray for the preservation of my heart, to be disappointed but not stumble. May Your revelation come near, so I may be tested but not go astray. Grant me peace beyond my understanding, enabling me to endure everything beyond my own capacity. Give Your word as my most appropriate sustenance, so I may be satisfied even in hunger and thirst. If possible, I still ask You to fulfil my request ____________. Please make Your intentions clear to me, so I know how to handle the situation of seeking and not receiving.
I pray all this in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.
Photo credit: Raymond Wong
對神失望
天父：
有些話，我很害怕跟別人訴說，彷彿我一說，就是我信心太小、不夠忍耐、未看化，諸如此類。我想表達我對上帝祢的失望，就是我不夠好，但我覺得，這根本已超出我的能耐了。也許，我只能裝作沒事，我很好，哈哈哈，算了吧，早已沒有期待。
明明是非分明，卻要黑白顛倒，祢是公義的，為何沉默不語？明明只需那麼一點點的改變，我就可以好起來，祢是慈愛的，為何就是不給我呢？我的禱求，不也很卑微嗎？
我覺得我已忍耐很久了，我也已憑信心祈求很多、很多次了。我害怕直到我死的一天，仍然未得應允；或者情況繼續惡化下去，我不知怎可面對。我的困境，無法解脫，我內心的悲傷和憤怒，無處安放。
然而，我的靈仍要儆醒，每當內心浮現「根本沒有神，祂是假的」、「祂不聽你，祂根本不愛你」、「連神也不幫助你」這些聲音時，主聖靈啊，求祢教我明辨，這些是來自那惡者的謊言，我要奉耶穌基督的名，抗拒這些謊言！是的，我對神失望、我對神憤怒，我也感受不到上帝的慈愛，但上帝以愛創造我，基督以厚恩拯救我、賜我生命，聖靈住在我裡面引導我、與我同在，這是真真實實的。
主，我不知道祢還要等什麼、要等多久，祢是神，我是微塵，一切好像只能被動而負面地接受和承受。然而，我要禱告，求主聖靈開我屬靈的眼睛，讓我看見祢的同在。別人說祢始終是美善，祢的計劃最終也是慈愛，也許我仍不能看透背後的因由，但我求祢賜給我智慧的眼睛，讓我能真實看見在這一切荒謬之中，有祢的恩典和引領，有祢的力量和亮光，有祢的同在和眷顧。
在這漫長的等候裡，我覺得可以對祢說的都說盡了。然而，祢有話要跟我說嗎？主啊，我願傾聽。求祢以我能聽見和明白的方式，向我說話。
我讀過猶大和彼得的事蹟。猶大可能眼見耶穌並不如他所想，為以色列復國，失望到一個點，便決定轉向靠攏權勢，出賣耶穌。在當時的宗教領袖聯同羅馬政府要捉拿耶穌的時候，彼得恐懼和失望極了，再沒有能力信靠一個處於絕對劣勢的師傅。耶穌受死後，門徒重操故業，繼續打魚過活，彷彿之前熱心跟隨主的三年，只不過如夢一場。讓我在這些聖經人物裡找到安慰。想不通看不透、信仰崩潰、覺得連神也靠不住、由失望至絕望、甚至否定曾經發生過的奇妙經歷…… 主啊！這一切，祢都明白、知道！
主啊，求祢保守我心，使我失望但不失腳。求祢的啟示臨近，使我受考驗而不走偏。求祢賜下出人意外的平安，使我有超乎自身的能力，可以承受現在的一切。求祢賜下祢的話作我最適切的糧，使我縱然飢渴，卻有飽足。若然可以，我仍求祢應允我的祈求_______________，求祢將祢對我的心意顯明，好使我知道在求而不得/未得的境況下，如何自處。
以上禱告，乃奉主耶穌基督之名而求。阿們。
照片提供：Raymond Wong